• Kelly Tietjen

Why He's Not Texting You Back

(Lights a cigarette.) Oh, it's you. Look I don't have all day so I'm going to make this quick. Back when I was on the streets - I had my fair share of companions. I've been with a cat, I've been with a dog, I've been with a bird, I've been with a hog. I don't have a type okay, and I can't ignore a good rhyme, so stay with me.

What I'm trying to say is, I've been around the scratching pole okay? And I've had my fair share of "ghosters" as you hoomans say. If he's not texting you back - here's why:

  1. He's a kitten. Listen toots, there are lots of kittens out there, pretending to be lions. You don't need some immature Keanu wasting your time. And I do mean the actor, Keanu Reeves, not the kitten from that movie. That kitten is a national treasure. All I'm saying is - if he's too immature to answer a text, you need to throw him out like last weeks crinkle toy alright? NEXT.

  2. He's nipping on somebody else. As if this thought didn't cross your mind like a mouse on treadmill. It's the age old tale. He's all over you one minute and scratching the flees he got from his new broad the next. HE DOESN'T DESERVE YOU - nor can he pull off a flee collar. NEXT.

  3. He's living a double life. Take it from someone who has 9, living multiple lives is very common. I once had a thing with a squirrel while I had a whole other family in the Hamptons. Ah, 1982 was a good year. If this is the case, he'll likely text you back eventually - but is that enough to keep you warm at night? Well, if it wasn't for the squirrel, it's probably not enough for you.

All this is to say - Men are dawgs. Pigs. Frisky felines. I should know - I've dated them all. You need to honor your fabulous self and realize that no man can take that away from you. He's the gawd damn devil. Either that or he's just busy and he'll text you back in a few hours. With love, purrs and petulance.

- Puck the Cat

Puck Tietjen Garcia is a contributing writer to KellysSelfDiscovery. She also writes for - absolutely nothing else because of her sass and inability to work with others. She got her MBA from Harvard, though we have yet to verify this. You can find her walking the mean streets of her Chicago apartment every Monday-Sunday.


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